I was taking a shower earlier this week when I had a sudden and very painful pain in my calf. It hurt so much that it actually made me gasp, and I immediately thought “it’s a blood clot! This is it!” but instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes and feeling regret that I did not spend more time with my loved ones, I thought, “FINALLY!” and waited for the clot to get to its destination. This should give you an idea of how my week has been going.

That was a few days ago and I’m still waiting, since apparently my blood clot is taking the scenic route or a nap or something. I know while this may be good news in the big picture sense, it was really inconvenient for me this week. Besides if my calf pain wasn’t a blood clot, what was it? The last thing I need is some sort of calf cancer because I can just imagine the awkwardness of what will follow.

“oh, it’s so adorable! Of course I will donate a lot of money to help fight this calf’s cancer! What? Oh. It’s your stupid LEG calf? Never mind then.”

So that’s extra stress right there that I don’t need in my delicate condition.

And then yesterday I went to a new dermatologist for a skin check. I had skin cancer a few years ago and I’m supposed to get regular checkups. Which I thought meant every year but apparently it means every 6 months, which seems different. The skin check went well in the sense that the doctor identified two areas to biopsy on the spot and one more that we would potentially need to biopsy but she had to get the records from my previous dermatologist and surgeon. She got really personal, too, like wanting to know their names and address. Maybe it’s just me, but I think my check up isn’t the right time for her to get contact info for other doctors for networking. Like, seriously. I didn’t have the exact names, although I did tell her it was a Jewish name with an office on the Upper East Side, but apparently that didn’t narrow it down for her. Whatever.

So then it was time for the biopsies. “You’ll feel a little pinch like a vaccine” she warned me about the anesthesia shot. The good news is that my stomach was so well padded that I did not feel the pinch, little or otherwise, on that area. Unfortunately I cannot say the same about my anorexic back of leg.

And now I have to wait for two weeks to get the results. On the one hand, I feel like this is my constant reality and it’s manageable. The doctor told me that I’ll be getting many biopsies in the future (I’m guessing she’s a part-time psychic) and I know that I’m lucky to be able to have regular screenings. On the other hand, I don’t love hearing things like “you are at the highest risk of skin cancer.”

At least my calf seems to be ok. And not in imminent danger of being hamburgerized.

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