I’m still having an unbelievable helpme fantastic time in Montana! Vacation is so great dearlordgetmeoutofhere and it’s going to be difficult to see it end! Here’s a list of things I learned while white water rafting on Monday!
1. You can’t bring your iPhone into the raft. It’s not because there’s spotty coverage on the river, as you’d no doubt feared, but because it will get wet. You’re supposed to Leave Your iPhone Behind. Most normal people will take this as a sign of Very Bad Things to Come but some of us are married to Husbandrinka who insists that everyone have fun against their will.
2. Before you start, you will receive a form that has various health conditions listed on it. You will think that you are supposed to check off any conditions that you have, but that’s only half the fun! Try to predict which ailments will plague you by the time you get off the raft in a couple of hours.
3. When you casually mention that the water is a bit too chilly, can they adjust it a tad, your guide will be of absolutely no help.
4. Your guide will tell you that he will be yelling various commands at you throughout the trip. Think of them less as “commands” and more as “helpful suggestions” . OF WHAT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
5. Your guide will tell you that if you are flipped into the water, you should assume a low profile. No one knows what the hell that means.
6. Yelling “HUGE ROCK!” every time you see anything in the water doesn’t get you The Most Helpful White Water Rafting badge. Like it’s your fault exactly that the duckling looked so boulder-like?
7. Asking when this Tour of Hades will end will not make it end faster.
8. When your guide tells you what various rocks are called, don’t ask follow up questions. For example, when you learn that a rock is called “Bambi” say “Bambi! How cute!” and not “Oh, is it because it makes everyone cry for their mommy?” (Spoiler alert: Yes, yes it is.)
9. When your guide tells you that he is highly motivated to keep the raft from flipping over because he has this thing with the others back in the shop that for every person he swims he has to buy a six pack for the group, know that you are in the hands of a skilled professional.
10. Singing My Heart Will Go On will not endear you to the others on your raft.
11. When your husband gets thrown out of the raft, don’t scream “WHERE’S THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY, MOTHERFUCKER?” after him. Not everyone has the same sense of humor.
12. When you reach Terra Firma, go ahead and kiss it. Just not with tongue.