This morning I was watching the Today Show, my morning guilty pleasure. Which is not to be confused with General Hospital, my afternoon guilty pleasure, and the Bravo network, my evening guilty pleasure.

I was happy to see that Dr. Oz was coming up. I love Dr. Oz. What I love most about him is that he’s not Dr. Phil. Because I can’t stand Dr. Phil. Don’t get me started.

Anyway, Dr. Oz was coming up because he is promoting apple juice with arsenic.

Or something like that.

I was eager for the segment because I’m always trying to find new ways to use arsenic. There’s only so much you can do with old lace, you know.

So it turns out that Dr. Oz came out with a study a few months ago saying that there were elevated levels of arsenic in apple juice and maybe we shouldn’t be pouring it down our children’s throat. And the Juice People responded with a claim that Dr. Oz’s study didn’t differentiate between organic and nonorganic arsenic because apparently only the finest and most organic arsenic is used for the apple juice.

And then Consumer Reports did a study that found that about 10 % of the juice samples had arsenic in levels that exceeded the federal standards of arsenic for water. Oh, and it was the inorganic kind, which is a known carcinogen.

Now there’s all sort of back and forth– like the federal standards for arsenic in water are low because people drink more water than juice. Except children are smaller than adults and I’m not convinced that all children drink more water than juice.

My take away from this was that Young Ladrinka, the only person in our household who drinks apple juice, should drink less and also that all the Mac products in our home should be replaced immediately.

Young Ladrinka is 10. I figured that I could talk to him honestly. This was a big mistake.

Marinka: I just heard a report that apple juice contains arsenic.

Young Larinka: What’s arsenic?

Marinka: It’s a poison.

Young Ladrinka: I’VE BEEN POISONED?

Marinka: Well not yet, but you should drink less apple juice.

Young Ladrinka: LESS apple juice? Why am I drinking apple juice at all?!

Marinka: You can still have some, just mix it with water.

Young Ladrinka: So I will mix poison with water?

And a few minutes later, he remembered something that happened yesterday. He got sick at school and my wonderful Papa came to rescue and picked him up. They stayed at home together and at some point Young Ladrinka picked up a ball. Well, he’ll tell you!

Young Ladrinka: So I pick up a ball just to move it somewhere and D-dude [ed. note: that's what he calls my Papa] said, put the ball down and just relax. Have some apple juice. I think he was trying to kill me.

Marinka: I don’t think he was trying to kill you.

Young Ladrinka: Why would he want me to drink poison?

Marinka: It’s not exactly poison.

Young Ladrinka: Then you drink it.

Marinka: I don’t want to. I don’t like apple juice.

Young Ladrinka: Because you don’t like poison, mom.

Let me know if you’d like me to talk to your kids. I’m available at reasonable rates.

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I’m at The Mouthy Housewives today giving advice about S-e-k-s. Come visit me there!

It’s time, once again, for I’m Right, You’re Wrong–a post where I share a disagreement that I had with a loved one and ask the internet to weigh in. To protect the scientific integrity of this process, I don’t disclose which position I support.

This week’s dilemma is brought to us by the tragic news that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after merely 73 days of marital not-exactly-bliss.

We are all processing the news in our own way, of course, but one thing is certain: each of us will remember where we were the moment that we heard the news. It is the story that we will tell our grandchildren, when they nestle on our lap and ask us about that dark day in the closing months of 2011.

There are many questions that remain: Was Kris really blindsided? Is living in Minnesota so awful that you have to leave the person you in order to avoid it? Did Kim and Kris really never have the conversation about their life together? WHAT THE FUCK WAS KRIS WEARING WHEN SHE WAS ON THE TODAY SHOW?

"Kim married for $love$!"

But when all those questions get tossed around, the one that remains is this–

Dilemma: Was the whole Kim Kardashian wedding and subsequent divorce staged? Like for ratings and cash and general whoredom?

Disagreers: Mama and Marinka

Position One: No, it was not staged. Kim Kardashian is certainly not a spokesperson for making wise decisions, but I think she did intend to marry for love and all that other stuff that makes people insist that marriage should be an exclusively heterosexual right.

Position Two: Ridiculous. Of course it was staged. Normal people don’t have huge wedding of century and then part ways a few months later. Did she not know the person she was marrying? Were they forced to get married? No. They did it for money and to make more morons watch stupid show.

What do you say? And what, if anything, can we do, as a nation, to heal?