How Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth

Marinka — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:59:42 +0000

Recently our home underwent an episode of Emailus Interceptus to the 12 year old daughter degree.

Normally I totally believe that everyone is entitled to privacy, but I was curious.

Fortunately I didn’t find anything too damning (unless everything was in code! Why did I just now think of that?), but I did find this chain letter, preceded with enough LOLs to plug up the oil leak.

Take a look!

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to
the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident .”

7. My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me WEATHER
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me: ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me: ESP
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
“I swear you’re just like your father.”

23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me about Justice
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”

So while you vomit your pregnancy away, get stretch marks that defy principles of elasticity, have enough sleepless colicky nights to qualify as torture under the Geneva Convention and generally devote your life to your child’s happiness and well-being, rest assured that your child will appreciate every single thing and reward you through the beauty of a mocking chain letter.

Proof That I’m Unyoung

Marinka — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 16:39:42 +0000

A few things happened this week that made me realize that I was old. Here they are, for your mocking amusement:

1. On Tuesday, my physical therapist texted me to confirm my 3 p.m. appointment. And I wanted to text back “ok” or “great”, but hipper and cooler. So I texted back “G8″. I was thinking GR(eight). Not G(eight). Maybe she thought that I was inviting her to a summit. Oh God, I just asked Husbandrinka if there is such a thing as a G8 Summit and he said that he thinks it’s G7. So now I’m old and stupid. (Update: Apparently, there are both G7 and G8 summits.)

2. I got reading glasses. Husbandrinka said that they look “goofy” and the kids told me that they make me look like my father. Which isn’t really the look that I was going for. But I was reading in the bedroom and Husbandrinka came in to say something to me (along the lines of “you’re old and stupid”) so I took my glasses off to look at him. And he’s all, “why do you keep taking off your glasses when you look at me? You don’t want me to see you wearing them?” And I’m all, “No, because they’re reading glasses and I don’t need to have you magnified.” See, these are the types of conversations that I assumed that we’d be having in the Assisted Living Village, so it’s nice to have a preview. A preview that I can see fine, by the way.

3. Over at The Mouthy Housewives, Kelcey wrote about defriending people on Facebook and I thought, “oh, poor thing. I have to tell her that it’s unfriend.” So I emailed her and she e-laughed at me, saying that it was so cute that I thought that it was unfriend, but it’s defriend. And I was all. “ha! She thinks I’m cute!” but then I realized that Kelcey thinks I’m cute in the same way that she thinks that her dad is cute. Whatever. I did some internet research, and there’s a really lively debate about the whole defriend vs. unfriend issue. Unfortunately, to understand it, you have to download one of those flash applications that all the young kids are using and I don’t want to mess with that stuff. But I’m pretty sure I remember being in a cave and my friend getting mad at me and crossing my image out on the cave wall, while grunting, “I unfriend.”

4. There are many more examples, but I can’t remember.

________________________________

In the As the Bagel Turns news. Husbandrinka continues to eat only half a bagel on Saturday mornings. Last week, he threw me for a loop by eating a little more that half. This week I beautified the fruit bowl to prepare for the bagel. And I wasn’t disappointed.

Motherhood in NYC » Lists

How Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth

Proof That I’m Unyoung