From the category archives:

Remedial Blog School

Welcome Back to Remedial Blog School.

If you’ve been following along with us from the beginning, you should by now feel Welcomed, decided on what to name your blog and URL and whether you are going to be anonymous or not, and know how to write an excellent post.

Our work is almost done!

Today, I am answering an excellent filled-with-questions email that I received from honor roll student Vicki. Vicki is a fellow Russian. And she married a Russian, apparently because she hasn’t read my Do Not Marry Russians post. Although to be fair, I haven’t written it yet. Anyway. Please check out Vicki’s blog, I’ve been hesitant to leap into it because she’s an economist and I was all intimidated, but then she blogged about the difference between Russian and American dating and I was hooked.

And now, let’s learn along with Vicki (rhymes with Nicki!) in Remedial Blog School.


* How long after you started blogging did you start making enough money to hire a maid AND buy Nicki?

I’ve been blogging for approximately seven months beforeI was able to afford Nicki. It really helped that Nicki was a used cat and had lower “adoption processing fees” of about $70. The maid question is a cruel reminder that (a) I don’t have a maid (b) I could never afford to hire one on my blogging income (c) Vicki is an economist.

* How did you decide what you wanted to blog about? How did you even know you wanted to blog?

I started to blog because I read Julie & Julia,which chronicles Julie Powell’s journey in making all the Julia Child recipes and blogging about it, and which has since been made into a major motion picture. Sure, that’s a coincidence.

I loved the idea of blogging and after rejecting the “Emeril & Marinka” rip-off blog, I settled into the “mommy blogger” by default.

* Do your parents/family (aside from Husbandrinka) know your blog exists? Do they talk shit about you at family gatherings?

Of course they talk shit about me, they have speech and they’ve met me.

Husbandrinka and my parents all know about the blog. Husbandrinka has no interest whatsoever in it, and has never read it. My father used to read it until the day that he told me that he didn’t like it because it was superficial and I banned him from it. Every once in a while he will ask me how it’s going and I’ll say “great, by the way, I blogged about your circumcision, you’re cool with that, right?” and he’ll say, “absolutely. It was the best thing I’ve ever done.”

I suspect my mother considers blogging one notch above heroin addiction, except less cerebral, so she’s never read my blog.

* How do you decide how to describe Russian cultural/language stuff to your audience, which seems to be predominantly American (or at least non-Russian) so as to not alienate them, but also not bog down your narrative or whatevs?

I link to Wikipedia a lot and then I make stuff up. Until recently, I didn’t have any Russian readers, so I could get away with it. Now I’ll have to be more accurate. Thanks a lot. And I was born in Russia, so obviously I milk that as much as possible. OMG, are you saying that my narrative is bogged down with motherland crap?

* How did you find the right tone for your blog? Did being anonymous give you the right push you needed to be able to write using swear words and talk about things that you probably wouldn’t have had you used your real name? Were you afraid at first that people would be turned off by your sarcasm? Or did you write mostly for yourself?

I write the way that I talk, god help me. I am sort of constantly surprised that I don’t get comments whining about my tone, but I assume it’s because most people are skimming the posts. Or don’t understand English.

And yes, being anonymous totally gave me the boost to use “salty” language. As did the fact that I came to terms with the fact that Kraft or anything family friendly would never advertise on my blog.

* What advice would you have to a new blogger who hopes to use her writing to make a shitton of money and successfully bribe her mom to stop asking her when she would be having kids because YA STAREIU NE PO DNYAM A PO CHESAM I NEKOGDA NE UVIZHU VNUKOV? [translation provided by Marinka, for free: 'I am getting older by the hour, not by the day, and I will never see grandchildren' (expression, common to Russian mother in a futile effort to get her children to procreate. Not with each other.)]

Just give up now. You’ll never make a lot of money doing this. Have some kids instead. Totally fun and tons of blog fodder. Plus the whole propagation of the species thing.

* Do you write at a designated time each day, or whenever the fuck you feel like it?

Look at you with the “fucks”. Nice. I usually write in the evenings, before the kids go to bed (because who wants to waste precious time on blogging when the house is all quiet?). But also whenever the fuck I feel like it.

Ok! Thanks, Vicki for your thoughtful questions!

Next week, in Remedial Blog School: Blog Comments. The Good, the Bad and the Deleted.

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blog Remedial Blog School: How to Write an Excellent Blog Post

Photo courtesy of my wonderful friend Suzmanella. That’s me, writing a blog post. At the lake. I don’t know if it’ll make it to the blog. Many blog posts are called, but few are chosen.

Welcome to Part 3 of Remedial Blog School–How to Write an Excellent Blog Post. Make sure to review Part 1–Welcome to Remedial Blog School and Part 2–So, You Started a Blog before proceeding. I cannot guarantee your safety unless you do.

Top Ten Ways To Make Sure That Your Blog Post is Excellent

Disclaimer: Most of these rules can be and should be, on occassion, broken. Just not a lot.

1. The hell if I know.

2. Do not start a post with “this is going to be long and boring and annoying.” Because people heed those warnings.

3.Write about something that you are passionate and excited about, keeping in mind that “passionate and excited” does not mean “insane”.

4. Short paragraphs.

5. Shortish post. If the CIA contacts you to see if they can borrow your post since waterboarding is now frowned upon, it’s time to edit.

5 (a) Read your post out loud. Cut out at least two sentences and five words. Do it. Proofread, spellcheck.

6. Don’t tell your best story. I’m holding my best stories in reserve for blog sweeps. And it helps me feel that I never get writer’s block.

6 (a) For the love of everything that is holy, do not blog about your writer’s block. Unless there’s a celebrity cameo in there somewhere.

7. If you realize in the middle of a post that it’s not working, do something to change direction.

7 (a) I have no idea how to change directions, but some people like to do memes.
7 (b) I don’t like to do memes.
7 (c) Although I have nothing against people who do them.
7 (d) Except the boring ones.

8. Don’t oversell a post. If a post starts with “The funniest, most hilarious thing ever happened!” chances are it will fall short. And yes, just about now I am sort of wishing that I took the “excellent” out of this blog post title now. But I won’t. For teaching purposes.

9. Make sure people know who you’re talking about. I had this problem recently when I assumed that everyone knew that John was beloved gay friend John and then someone in the comments assumed that he was my husband. Awkward.

10. Don’t lie. Really. It’s not worth it. It’s like a sin or something. And also it’s hard to keep your shit straight and not contradict yourself.

Next week in Remedial Blog School: I’ll answer an email full of interesting and important questions. If you have any burning questions, see your gynecologist! (But if they’re about blogging, let me know!)

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