The Economy

Look, I’m on a budget, ok?

And the budget includes only essential items except for those rare times that I have to go out to have caviar pizza with Kelcey, Karen and Stacy. Oh, I haven’t told you about that yet?

It’s sort of a long story about how one day I bought a Groupon-type deal for dinner at Pravda, Russian bar-restaurant downtown that I thought closed in the 1990s, and then became a maniac because I was worried that the Groupon-thing would expire and I’d be stuck with a piece of paper that was worthless, no offense to the tree that gave it life. So we finally went to the dinner and Kelcey and I had pizza with salmon and caviar which was delicious. And super authentic, because when I was growing up behind the Iron Curtain, everyone ate like that. But we washed it down with prosecco and I had a Lenintini so I’m not going to complain.

But this post isn’t about that.

This post is about how I’ve been on a budget and how whenever the kids ask me for something, like breakfast, for example, I remind them, “we’re on a budget!”

And then they pout or something, but who cares, because problem solved! We’re on a budget is the answer!

But the other day, I was looking on Etsy, that site where people who are crafty get to show off, and I came upon this:

As normal people, we’re thinking the same thing, right? MUST. HAVE.

And of course as soon as I saw it, I wanted it. Because what kind of animal (cats excluded) doesn’t want something like this with gourd season upon us?!

I reviewed our budget and unfortunately didn’t see an item for decorative cat hats. But I reasoned that with the cold weather coming, Nicki was going to need a hat, right?

So I got it.

And when my daughter saw it, she said “I thought we were on a budget” in a way that made it clear that she saw my purchase as a waste of money.

I tried to explain the concept of Must Haves but Young Ladrinka piped in with a “that’s a total waste of money” which made me feel like he thought that my purchase was a waste of money. Although it’s possible that I’m reading too much into it. I probably am.

I mean, how could someone look at something like this and not think that the hat is a wonderful investment?

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Yesterday I noticed that my bank opened up a new branch near where I live. Since I’m 88 years old, this was wonderful news.

I immediately decided to take out some fresh cash from the cash machine.

I put in my card, pressed “shitload” when it asked me for what amount I wanted in $20 bills and waited. I like to pretend that I’m in Atlantic City when I withdraw cash so that when the money is doled out, I pump a fist in the air a little. Usually my own.

Except this time there was no cash dispensing. There was no fist pumping. Instead there was a message saying that the service I requested could not be performed right now.

It’s hard to believe that some people think that Anti-Semitism is no longer a problem in America.

A few things ran through my mind.

First, I considered that because these ATM machines were new, they hadn’t yet been trained in cash dispensing. And yet, as I looked to my the cash-retrievers on either side of me, I saw that they were getting barrels full of money out of the bank. Why, their legs were practically buckling!

Second, I thought that maybe I already took all the cash out of the account, which would be sad; although the Lucy and Ricky skit that would await me once Husbandrinka found out would make for excellent blogging fodder. Always with the silver lining, I am.

I wanted to check the balance, but the ATM let me know that this service wasn’t available to me, either.

Which left me with only one possible explanation:

Husbandrinka fell in love with a younger, more beautiful woman, canceled my card, got one for her and forgot to tell me.

The more I thought about this, the more it made sense. I called Husbandrinka.

“The machine isn’t giving me cash,” I told him.
“What machine?” he asked.
See? If someone didn’t have a guilty mind, would he question what machine? I mean, what machine usually gives you cash?
“The ATM machine,” I tried to speak in measured tones. No need to escalate matters ahead of time. The Snapped episodes always start out matter-of-fact.
“No clue,” he said. Probably while booking a get-away from Belize for two, minus me.

I decided to put it out of my mind. That’s not hard to do, because I’m very forgetful.

Until I went to do some grocery shopping and the very same debit card was declined. DECLINED.

“BUT I NEED THIS FOOD!” I started to protest/audition for Les Miserables. And then I paid for the groceries with cash. Cash that could have been used to buy wine.

After a few more phone calls to Husbandrinka, during which he has properly lawyered up and pleaded ignorance in the fifth degree, I called the bank.

Apparently, the bank claims to have found some suspicious activity on my card and sent me a new card, suspending this one. They were sorry for the inconvenience and I was sorry that I didn’t go through my mail. We agreed that they would overnight the new card to me so that the nation’s economy wouldn’t feel any further adverse effects.

I just hope that I find it in my heart to forgive Husbandrinka.

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