The other day I was emailing with my “friend” Peajaye and mentioned how Husbandrinka was going to be spending the night in the homeless shelter. He does that as volunteer work at his church. And when I say ‘his church’ I mean the church that he attends, lest you think that he leads a congregation.

So Peajaye writes back I know it’s silly of me, but every time you tell me that he’s sleeping in the homeless shelter, I can’t help thinking, “Yeah, right.” It just sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie.”

Which of course got me thinking. How could I have been so trusting, innocently drinking Chardonnay while Husbandrinka was in all likelihood betraying me? It’s hard to argue with a Lifetime movie reference.

I decided to confront Husbandrinka.

“Peajaye thinks you’re a huge liar and are having an affair,” I told him as he got ready to “go to the shelter.” I didn’t want to confuse him with a whole Lifetime movie reference because Husbandrinka is a heterosexual male. Some things are over their heads, the poor dears.

“Oh, yeah?” he said, cool as a cucumber that has been refrigerated. “Why don’t you come with me, then?”

“Because I’m not into threesomes,” I thought. This is how Newt’s second marriage ended, after all. I know about family values.

“Really, it wouldn’t kill you to do some volunteer work?” Husbandrinka is now insisting.

He’s good.

And now I’m so focused on trying to get out of this do-good stuff that I’ve completely forgotten about his mistress.

But I do remember that all of this is Peajaye’s fault.

1. Receive an email from your teenager with a subject line “I’m too lazy to walk over to your room so I’m emailing you instead!!!!”

2. Rejoice that you’ve raised such an energy-efficient child.

3. Read the email and learn that your teen and her BFF want to learn a foreign language so that they can talk to each other without other people understanding what they’re saying.

4. Suppress urge to let her know that only dogs can hear what she and her BFF are squealing to each other.

5. Continue to read that they have decided to learn Mandarin as their Secret Language.

6. Call 911 to ask about procedures to reattach your recently bitten off tongue.

7. Continue to read email and learn that there’s a program that’s just $10!!!! and Please send away for it ASAP, I’ll pay you back! THANK YOU!!!

8. Awww, your teen wrote THANK YOU!!! You are the best mom ever!

9. Decide not to answer email until you can come up with a non-sarcastic response.

9. Do not answer email.

10. Ignore follow ups to email.

11. Get the “I’m going to discuss this with daddy” email notice.

12. Do not respond, but silently say goodbye to $10.

13. Overhear discussion with daddy with phrases like “you’ll never learn Mandarin, how about Italian instead?” and “but so many people speak Italian!” Die of laughter.

14. Hear daddy tap in his credit card number.

15. Hear daddy say Very Bad Word.

16. Emerge from bedroom asking whatever is the matter?

17. Learn that the $10 fee is just the sign up fee and that now every month we will be receiving more Mandarin discs at a reasonable price of $60 per shot, although we can return the Mandarin that we do not want for a full refund.

18. Go back to bedroom and close door.

19. Thank the good lord that you Kegeled throughout your pregnancies because laughing now causes absolutely no leakage.

20. Secretly plan to learn Mandarin in order to understand what Teenage Daughter is saying.